NOT MY FUN DAY.
Often, I find myself disheartened by my struggles to function well in a job or social environment. It’s quite daunting. I wonder why there’s a part of me that believes I can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it, yet another part that feels lacking in strength and courage to pursue and maintain a suitable job. What am I so afraid of? While I understand there are valid reasons for being on disability, I can’t help but think it’s not a good enough excuse for me.
I recognize that having thoughts about doing something meaningful and actually mustering the courage to execute them are two entirely conflicting notions. It’s tough living with these battles in my mind. There are times when I fear stepping out of the house. It seems like this fear has accumulated over time, although it wasn’t always like this. When did I reach this point of being afraid to engage with the world? At times, I even feel this way with my own family. I cherish my family deeply, especially my daughters and grandchildren. It’s unjust that I have these fears. I’m uncertain if I can solely attribute them to my past. We all have choices. Perhaps I’ve simply fallen into the habit of avoiding intimidating situations or events.
I could attribute it to being highly sensitive, my INFJ personality type, or my past experiences, but that would be too convenient an explanation. Why can’t I challenge myself a little more? Yet, there’s also fear associated with challenging even a little. How did I end up becoming so reclusive?
I’m quite hard on myself. I know I wouldn’t think this way towards others in my situation. So, why can’t I show myself some compassion? I have valid reasons why things are particularly challenging for me. Shouldn’t that be enough for now?
The truth is that this is often the after effects of harming a child. The damage can be life long. It can even be catastrophic.
Linda